The actress was convinced she knew why the singer comitted suicide. Because she felt the same at some point in her life when she had been tempted to do the same. And she described the morning when the temptation was the strongest. What caught mostly my attention were the words: ”I didn’t want to open my eyes again.”
She really made me think about it. I am both a singer-songwriter and an actress. I needed to understand the feeling, I imagined it. And I really thought I understood. But I only thought I did. The truth is I didn’t.
Until this summer. I came back from a selection were I was not just rejected - but painfully humiliated. It was painful because I let myself trapped in the whole situation simply because of my problem of not ever being officially recognized as a good vocalist. Singing folk music is considered some sort of a hobby and I lost a lot of important trains in my life – contratcs, selections or collaborations with great musicians simply because I am basically a folk music songwriter. I was officially admitted in pop music competitions, I was also awarded there - but they probably considered them judging errors. So I decided I needed to do something about it and officially show my determination to learn and let the professionals help me reinvent myself. Any kind of learning was welcome to me and a TV show was all the more welcome.
I got there and the organizers encouraged me I would be admitted. I was so happy, my lungs were full of fresh air of a new beginnig showing up to the horizon . But all they probably wanted was to publicly humiliate me just to make the show more attractive. What I needed to be a new beginning - turned to be a horrible experience. But it gave me the feeling of the “morning after”.
I was in my bed and I heard the moves in the house. And I understood it hadn’t been a nightmare. I had to face the truth and rebuild my existance all over again, to start from zero all over again. This mere thought started a huge pain in my chest and slowly it was spreading in the whole body. My eyes were still closed but it felt like I was to bleed to death if I open them. I wished there was something I could do so that I won’t have to open my eyes ever again.
Then it hit me. (I opened the eyes as if I had remembered I had won a million dollars at the lottery! ) This must be the feeling of suicide temptation! I had never felt like that before. That’s how that singer must have felt! That’s what that beautiful successful actress was talking about! The actress in me felt like winning an Oscar but the human in me was still in pain. I had to do something to stop it. I was torn in two and I was acking and there was no way in my brain to make me feel better.
Then I smiled in revelation. This was the feeling of the capital temptation. The eleventh step. The suicidal temptation. It makes you feel so ashamed of yourself that it hurts like Hell. What can be done to fight temptation-any kind of temptation? Which is the hadiest tool? Prayer, of course!
And I prayed.
It was a mechanical prayer. Deep in my heart I hated God for allowing this to happen to me. Just like you hate your parents when they punish you even if you know it is for your own good. But I needed to feel better and that was my only way .
You probably won’t believe me but the prayer simply made the pain vanish. When I got up on my feet after praying there was no more pain in my chest. It was gone! I felt a bit like vomitting though and I wasn’t able to eat or dring anything, especially coffee – and this really was something to think about. How can a body reject coffee after such an experience? A strong coffee had always made me feel better when something painful ever happened to me.
I went back to bed and slept all day. I drank a bit of water in the evening and the next morning I could taste a bit of yogurt, then slept again till the evening when I could eat a whole cup of Yogurt.
The Christian rule is to forgive and let God do the judjing and punishing. You must forgive, not judge and be convinced you deserved it. Well, I am not a saint. I could not just forgive. And I was not at all convinced I would ever in this life agree to myself I deserved it. No one on this planet can just forgive when something unfair happens to her or him.
But praying helps. Really helps… Even if you don’t believe there’s anything the prayer can do for you when all hope seem to be gone from the face of the Earth. I believe it helped me because there was a healthy spiritual ground in me and this experience was just a bit of dirt that darkened my spirit for a while, trying to remove my belief in God. The days after were also hard to be faced but praying made me get stronger and seriosly think about my life , what I had done so far and what could be done from then on.
Angels have their human correspondants on Earth: friends. I spent a week away from the world with a friend of mine and her family and friends, close to an orthodox convent and when I came back home I knew I had no reasons to be desperate. It was just an experience. Ugly, awfull… but just one failure among a lot of good things I'd done in my life, built on passion and hardwork and … praying. It didn’t kill me to fail once. It made me stronger. And it convinced me for good that comitting suicide is the most stupid thing to do to solve a problem.
Ploaia in luna lui ... noiembrie
Fetita bolnava
