It all started on the night before New years’s Eve. We were all invited to attend the big party and this one was especially organized so that we get to know each other and have real fun on the big night. In a room full of handsome men and beautiful women – I could have been attracted by all of them. They were all great looking, smartly dressed, successful, intelligent, really sexy etc. One may be incredibly hot, you can’t help but accept he is the best looking male in the room, other is the most successful business man and any woman in the world would be delighted to be with him…. And yet neither of the two attracts you. Neither of them all actually. The party goes on, glass after glass of wine work upon your mask and – at one certain point- you just threw it away and the real YOU burst out, giving you courage to act. You simply get up and find yourself going straight to a certain man who sits alone at the table, having fun just by watching the others dance the night away. He wasn’t alone when he came but his girlfriend – or wife?- just left, leaving him there watching the others have fun.
Was it love or was it attraction? What is the difference between them? Can you actually decide to whom should you be attracted to? Definitely not. I tryed to analyze the concept of attraction at that party preceding New Years Eve. I decided to study how I felt when I was dancing , I passed through the room, passed by all the persons, males or females and analyze how I felt when I got closer to each and everyone of them. And only that certain one male made my blood boil and the heart beat faster. All the others made me feel nothing but some kind of sympathy. Something about that one male made me make an effort to pretend he is not there and I am not particularly interested in him.
That night was especially organized to get aquinted to each other – so that the New Years Eve to be a very successful party. I had a great time – we all danced, we laughed , we watched a firecamp and had boiled wine . And exactly when the party was about to be over I found myself getting up and go straight to the one I wanted to dance all night but I couldn’t because he had company. He was finally alone now. (My God, now I see! I had been just like a tiger , waiting for the proper moment to attack!!!) The wine gave me the courage, the wine made the real ME burst out . I invited him to dance with me and he accepted with a smile. I pleasantly surprised him. It was supposed to be just one dance – but it continued - song, after song, after song…
I don’t remember exactly how the party ended. Just flashes …the last one being one picture of me at one of those big windows of the party room , alone, the last party dancer resting in a chair at the window, watching the firecamp outside still burning. One glass of wine in my hand and many, many tears flowing peacefully from my eyes…
On the big night, the new Years Eve I pretended I forgot everything. I felt it was the right way to act to avoid embarrassing moments. The other night was just a party like so many others before in my life, right? It had to be. I entered that big and gloriously decorated room and went straight to my place, straight to the opposite side of the room, (close to that big window I stood by the other night ,crying…)acting sober, neutral, like nothing happened , like anything else may happen and everybody interests me equally. I was relaxed, I was smiling, I was ready to have fun and spend the night living it at its fullest and have the time of my life. But something in me was aking . I was changed inside and I was making efforts to be ignorant of this change in my heart. I was avoiding to look at that special person that burnt my heart the other night – I was somehow afraid that it meant nothing to him and I was just like everybody else in the room. It was just one dance after all – even if we forgot to stop when the song ended and just keep dancing song, after song, after song… I don’t rememeber what we talked about, I don’t remember exactly what made me cry … I just remember we danced. And I felt I could dance for ever with this man, and this man only.
I shivered and became nervous. Like so many other times in my life I was the only one who could put myself together: “Maria, be serious! It was nothing! Just one dance for God sake! What’s wrong with You?!” I told myself that I make too much of nothing and what I feel is a childlike weakness of not having the toy I wanted at my disposal. A simple dance will not make me the centre of the Universe for anyone. Yes. That’s the answer of an unasked question.
And yet … I needed to know . Was I just like everybody else in this room here for him? Cause if it were so, I could finally relax and let everything go. I had to know. And turned to the opposite side of the room, giving “him” a quick look over my shoulder.
His answer was as strong as a thunderstruck: he caught my look at once and seemed to say to me clearly with an intense look :”I’m here. And I didn’t forget…”
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